September 6 - Hi-Leen Berlingeri

How long have you been coming to H2O?

About 4.5 years

What do you like to do for fun?

Go to the beach, play volleyball, dance, and learn about who people really are.

What's an interesting fact about you?

I am that alleged 0.03% failure percentage of intrauterine devices meant for birth control...I really think the failure rate must be higher than that.

I am becoming more and more aware of the fact that I have some serious performance issues. I find myself either working really hard at being a good Christian and resenting it, or feeling guilty for not doing the things that I believe are required of me as a Christian. The need to perform comes from a deep fear. The fear that I might not be truly saved if I don't do the things a good Christian person should. What if I'm the branch that gets cut off and thrown into the fire? What if I'm the lukewarm church that gets spit out from God's mouth? What if I am the one to whom He says: "Depart from me, I never knew you"?

I have always struggled with the desire to read the Bible, I'm on and off as far as prayer goes, and because of this I feel my relationship with God is really flat. Yes, flat, deflated, matte, just plain old blah. I don't like it, in fact I don't like it so much that it becomes an anxiety. I quickly start getting caught up in this "carry-your-cross" mentality that leads me down a path where everything I do, and have, and think, is sin. It's either immoral, selfish, or a simple waste of time. In this place of my heart I become extremely frustrated because I'm not passionate enough, or I don't dress modestly enough, or I'm not wise enough, or I don't evangelize enough, or I don't care about enough issues, or I don't serve enough, or I'm not poor enough! That's right, I said poor enough, because of the verses that say it is harder for a rich man to get to heaven, than for a camel to go through the eye of a needle. We probably ought to think of ourselves as rich, because we're not poor, and there's nothing in those verses that talks about the "middle-class man."

All that said, it is exhausting. I want to enjoy God, and live my life for Him with a joyful heart. I don't want to be worried about whether or not I'm doing a good job being Christ-like...I should KNOW that I will STINK at being perfect, because I'm not equipped to be perfect just yet. But at the same time it makes me resent God for giving me the commandment to be holy, while leaving me stuck in this body of death that makes it IMPOSSIBLE for me to achieve that. That goal that we must "press on" and run towards, even though we won't get there until we die!!! It's like telling a 5-yr-old to be more mature!!!

So please pray that God will comfort me and overwhelm me with His peace, that He helps me feel safe and loved. That I won't get frustrated but instead hope for the day when He'll finish the work He started in me. That I'll learn to receive his grace, and enjoy the riches of His blessings.