What has God been teaching me? That is a hard question because God has been working in my life in so many different ways, and those lessons are very different. I feel sometimes God has to keep teaching me the same lessons, because I don't learn my lesson well the first time and I am such a work in progress. Fundamentally, God is trying to teach me to trust him completely in every aspect of my life... as a wife, a mother, an attorney, and in my desires. Often, I am very insecure. I need a lot of affirmation from God and from those around me. I say this with embarrassment because I feel like I shouldn't need so much affirmation. But it is something with which I have always struggled. Sometimes I feel like I am caught in a rodent wheel, always grasping for affirmation, then depressed if I don't get it, then questioning my self-worth, then shame for ever needing it. I seem to measure all of my relationships against that rod of affirmation and I know it is a hopeless endeavor. I need to find security and my identity in being a child of God first, to trust God completely, and to stop measuring my success by the measure I give myself or the measure that I perceive others give me. Because it is so much a part of who I am, the battle is overwhelming.
That I find my identity in God and find security in that knowledge.
That I can balance my calling with my work and family and to still be able to pursue my passion and love for music on some level.
4 comments:
Okay good I'm not the only one who likes affirmation!! Ronda I am ALL for someone who wants to help promote music :)
Ronda -
I can understand the shame cycle and also feeling like you keep needing to learn the same lessons over and over. But sometimes I think, we fool ourselves into thinking that we "should" get the lesson on the first time, when really we just learn a new layer to it each time. Or that we each have our own personal struggles that we will have most of our lives. Not to depress you, but just to let you know your normal. I struggle with performing and trying to control things, I know it will be a constant battle in my life. Just try to keep trusting God a little more each day.
Tracy =)
I often have these same issues and I am told over and over to trust God. It is hard to remember to find my worth in him instead of others opinions. It's so hard to trust his plan instead of mine. I'm also trying to figure out the balance of work and family. It's hard when you feel like your making a difference in your profession, but sometimes it's so draining you feel you don't have much left to give. Thanks for sharing :-) I appreciate all you are helping out with on the worship team also.
Ronda,
It was so great to read your devotional! I think it is really awesome that you are so good at GIVING what you desire. I have noticed (although somewhat subconsciously until now) that you are a VERY affirming person! You always have a kind word or comment and I really appreciate that about you!
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