What were you like as a kid?

I had crazy long hair. I beat my competitive uncles’ and cousins’ high scores at Pac Man before I was in kindergarten. Every report card said I talked too much, but I was terrified of new people. I had an unending supply of questions. Everybody thought I was so cute, but I just wanted to be taken seriously. Basically, I was shorter. ;)

Devotional

“No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he'll never let you be pushed past your limit; he'll always be there to help you come through it.”
-1 Corinthians 10:13

This verse kept me from losing my mind these last six months. I feel like a spiritual baby. I try to push through challenges with courage and trust, but I still get frustrated and whine when it wears on me. For me, my life as a new mom has been an exhausting series of seemingly endless trials, though it could be seen as quite “normal,” and definitely could be much worse. Even though it’s been hard, I know that God’s been refining me and my marriage in the process.

My devotional six months ago focused on my fear of not being physically strong enough to bring my baby into the world without medical intervention. I was terrified in the few seconds just after they told me I could begin pushing! I had asked God to make me a strong mother with that moment in mind. Well, everything turned out fine, though God answered my prayer in a way I wasn’t expecting.

I did my best to educate myself and develop realistic expectations for labor, delivery, and time with a new baby keeping in mind that anything could happen; I was determined to be flexible. Preferences and opinions I arrived at ended up being tossed aside in the face of reality, which I did my best to roll with while having a good attitude. I got a bit of what I wanted and a huge lump of the unexpected.

There were things I didn’t have control over that I had no choice but to accept. I needed pitocin to start labor, but was blessed to have a normal delivery. I had a blood clotting problem after the birth, so they performed a procedure (a DNC) to resolve it. I lost more blood than normal, so I was very tired but didn’t need a transfusion. We thought things were great, but this simple clotting issue led to a lot of problems taking care of Drake at home. I couldn’t make enough milk to feed him, which made it take longer to get rid of his jaundice and caused concerns in the first month for weight gain. We had to wake him every two hours during that time to feed him, but eventually had to supplement with formula, which was very hard for me to accept since I wanted to go formula free and felt insufficient. We also had to see a lactation consultant and an occupational therapist to figure out why he wasn’t getting enough milk, which helped me realize I was not a failure regarding his feeding problems, but had challenging circumstances out of my control.

He’s had a lot of stomach problems, too. He had two weeks of thrush, a milk protein intolerance, and other potential food allergies that are still unconfirmed since it takes weeks to heal when his digestive system flares up. Following the pediatrician’s advice hasn’t resolved the issue, so we’ve been referred to a G.I. specialist to troubleshoot further. It has been months of pain for my baby, and hard for us to bear witness to.

My roles in the household have been stretched thin. As the cook, I became frustrated with drastic dietary changes to foods with no milk, eggs, or soy - not an easy task, and we were already low sugar. It became hard to get enough calories to nurse, and my general energy level has felt depleted. Combine this with three heavy cycles in five months - I’ve felt anemic quite a few times. I used to enjoy cooking, baking, and eating, but now I really don’t. I’m hungry constantly and find eating to be more of a chore, and cooking to be a challenge especially at night with a fussy baby who won’t go to sleep at a consistent time.

As the handy(wo)man, I was overwhelmed with a lawn wasting away, thousands of ants (I WISH I were exaggerating) infesting my home including the pantry, and a failing air conditioner that took three months to resolve ultimately with replacement - cha ching! Alone this would all be a lot on one’s plate, but even more so with a colicky baby. Needless to say, I haven’t gotten out much and have felt lonely in many of my relationships with life feeling like an unending to-do list. In fact, right now I really appreciate having this blog here just to be able to "talk" to someone.

All of these little things became a huge pile heaping on our heads. My husband, who at work is a brilliant I.T. go-to guy who always keeps his cool, is not comfortable with chaos at home (in fact, you could say it is his kryptonite). He was a resilient supporter for eight weeks at home on paternity leave, washing dishes and clothes (laundry is upstairs), warming meals our friends thoughtfully provided, and doing general housework and yard work as needed. I could tell that after rejoining his world at work, however, it was starting to wear on him that things were in a constant state of disarray and were not getting done promptly as we had both become accustomed to in our prior seven years of marriage. Something was happening behind the scenes, and I recognized it as an intense spiritual battle that started eating away at us both at our greatest vulnerabilities as we each kicked into our own survival modes.

I feel that God has mandated an intense fasting from my favorite foods for an undetermined duration. I feel that He has stripped me of my physical strength constantly to remind me to take care of the body He gave me, as I have a tendency to put myself last when things need to be done. I feel that He has allowed all of these things to happen all at once so I could realize that while much of my life right now involves the physical realm of my body as a nursing mom and homemaking, there is a deeper spiritual element to my new life as a mother. I began to understand how people who were in a perfectly loving marriage could completely fall apart (something I’d never understood as our relationship had always been so blessed with simplicity). I felt the need to hold things together, and lift myself up to do more than I ever imagined I could handle (physically, emotionally, and spiritually). I felt that I had to become glue, stubborn and sticky, relentless glue to hold all of us together, and knew it would not be possible to do alone, as I often try to do things.

I knew without God as my foundation it would be a worthless effort. I sought His wisdom in all of this and found a verse that struck me, being simple but completely inspiring as I felt empty and worn down to nothing:

“Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.” -Proverbs 5:18

Somehow, just having a desire to be a refreshing fountain for my husband and son, I’ve been able to dig deep within to be more patient and flexible. I want to do whatever I can to become that wife (and mother) who overflows with God’s love and blesses my family. I realized my grandmother, a mother of six and stubbornly faithful woman of God, had been the epitome of this verse, and this was my opportunity to understand and become more like her. I am energized by the verse to improve my attitude, serve the needs of my family (permitting a little chaos), and take proper care of myself to do all of this well, because it brings me closer to God, my husband, my son, and a very important person that left a hole in my heart when she passed two years ago. It feels like my life now is the metaphor of a cloth with random strands of colorful thread tangled in a mess with a beautiful, purposeful tapestry on the other side that I’m beginning to recognize.

I asked for strength, and God continues to give it to me daily as I ask for it, though not in a way I thought I needed. It is overflowing to my husband, who has grown so much in this process and gained a lot more patience than I ever would ask him to. It will surely overflow to our son as we both continue trusting God to carry us through anything. Praise God for showing up!!!

Prayer Requests:
1) Our marriage is a work in progress. We have done a lot of bickering for stupid reasons, but finally feel like we are on the same team again, so we need prayer to continue to have patience with each other and our circumstances.
2) Our son is still having stomach issues that don’t make sense. Please pray for healing and resolution so his pain will stop and his sleep (day and night) can be consistent.
3) Please pray for me to have patience as I deal with this “fasting” and ask God to strengthen my body to endure and provide for my baby’s needs and manage my other roles well.

Thank you, ladies!

P.S. If you want to see my greatest joy, here’s a link to a three minute video I put together for fun to show off his new skill: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSy1mV7fsUY