Quick Facts
How long have you been coming to H20? 2 ½ years
What do you like to do for fun? I love playing outside (hiking, sailing, backpacking…)
What is something interesting thing about me? I’m 32 and still sleep with a stuffed animal!
So I don’t exactly know all the reasons I’ve been feeling so insecure these past couple weeks but I’ve been going through my days feeling a little beat up lately by my own entourage of critical thoughts toward myself. My father-in-law has been staying with us for the past couple weeks to help Jeremy with our home addition and there’s something about having another watchful eye in the house that seems to have brought to the surface ALL of my insecurities… whether it be my cooking - which leaves much to be desired, or my hospitableness - trying (unsuccessfully) to stay on top of meals, groceries, laundry, and cold drinks for them while they spend their days working in 90+ degree heat. I would think about the damp socks my father-in-law had to wear one day when I forgot to change over the laundry, or the meal I made one evening that lost ALL of it’s flavor in the hour it sat on the stove before it was served… and try really hard to remember why anyone would want to be my friend. And of course, none of this had anything to do with my father-in-law’s expectations, only the perfectionistic standards I put on myself. But that was just the backdrop. I had a dozen other insecurities competing for the total defeat of my pride. Insecurities in relationships, in beauty, in being a mom…and though I know we all get here at times, I’d really kinda thought I’d grown past all of this in my walk with God. After all, I am an idealist. And truly, God has brought a significant amount of healing to this deeply insecure heart over the years. I have experienced the freedom and security that comes with knowing the truth of my identity in Christ, and am usually more able to push past the lies and cling to truth, solely by the grace of God at work in my life. But it seems I’m in one of those times where I’m feeling a little disconnected spiritually and God is allowing some circumstances in my life to push me back to a place of recognizing my desperate need for Him, and to stay grounded in His word. I was reminded yesterday through some of the music at church of the simple but AMAZING truth of being His. God has continually reaffirmed His heart towards me in the words “You are mine.” (Is. 43:1) I love the jealousy behind this statement. When I am feeling unnoticed, unvalued, un…everything, I feel the strength of His unfailing, all-consuming love that wraps around me with a jealous statement of ownership. I am His. I belong to no other and my identity is secure. It’s like He’s saying “I know how unnoticed you feel right now, how unpursued you feel. But you are MINE. You don’t belong to anyone but me. And I cherish you.”
God is so faithful to continue to whisper His life-giving truth in the midst of these battles with insecurities. A couple nights ago He did just that in the words of a daily devotional I’ve been reading. It read: “When you are with other people, you often lost sight of My Presence. Your fear of displeasing people puts you in bondage to them, and they become your primary focus. When you realize this has happened, whisper My Name; this tiny act of trust brings Me to the forefront of your consciousness, where I belong. As you bask in the blessing of My nearness, My life can flow through you to others. This is abundant life!” (Jesus Calling p. 129)
I love The Message version of Proverbs 29:25:
“The fear of human opinion disables; trusting in God protects you from that.”
And I love this quote from Fil Anderson:
“Each day it is absolutely crucial for me to listen for God’s voice, affirming that I am God’s beloved child. Only then can I resist the temptation to reinhabit my false identity. Only when I am listening to God’s voice, and not my own, am I set free from having to prove to the world (or to myself) that I am worth loving, because God has already, repeatedly, affirmed His love for me.”
So I have no idea how helpful this reminder is for you this week but it was incredibly healing for me to think through and write down. So thanks for reading.
Prayer Requests:
-I would love your continued prayers for my family back home. My 25-year old brother will soon be serving a prison sentence for several felony charges, leaving behind his wife and 4-year old daughter for what could be several years. God is definitely at work in all of this though, and I am seeing my brother’s life turning completely around as the result of what he’s been going through.
-Also, I would love your prayers for myself, as well as the women in our church, that we would fight for the truth of God’s word to reign in our hearts and minds.
7 comments:
Thank you for stepping out and communicating your beautiful mess!!! It helps remind me He is enough! Thanks
I completely, completely relate to your insecurities with those pesky domestic duties (groceries, meals, laundry, etc.). It is especially difficult when I really start to despise said tasks and I place my value in those. I need to remember that God has already affirmed His love for me regardless of my unfolded clothes ;-). Thanks for your openness, and please know that you are not alone!
Shannon thank you for sharing so openly. I'm sure it was not easy. My heart goes out to you with what you shared about your insecurities. Though mine are slightly different and sound silly compared to yours, I can definitely relate! Know you are not alone. Thank you for the scripture you shared! I was reminded in Life Group this week that the Word is what changes us and grows us. "and be transformed by the renewing of your mind." So I know if we can just get more of it in us, the Lord is faithful and will do His part. I will pray for you this week! Thanks for being the first to post and braving the way! *Suzanne
Shannon, This was a great message and a reminder to me as well that I am HIS and no one else's. You and your family are in my prayers and I know how tough it can be to see family have to face hardhips and jail. I will pray that God will be working in his life through this difficult time. Love ya, Anastasia
P.S. I think you are a great mom to Jake :)
Shannon, this was really encouraging to me because my mind runs crazy with self-critiques if I don't keep a grip on reality. I have to think about what I've accomplished instead of what I "could've" or "should've" done. I'll bet your visitors weren't judging you at all. You're clearly working hard and (forgive yourself) get tired sometimes in life, yet you fed them and washed their socks (they were probably thankful you took care of these details). Who cares if it wasn't like eating at a restaurant and the socks were damp. If your effort comes from a loving heart (even if you don't execute perfectly), it will always be appreciated - if not by people, than definitely by God! =)
Shannon, Thank you for sharing what is on your heart. Many of us deal with insecurity and so often do not listen for the Truth. This is a great reminder to us to "...take captive every thought and make it obedient to Christ" 2 Corinthians 10:5.
oh dear Shannon - I completely understand those insecurities. It seems every mother goes through that in wondering if she is doing enough or doing it "right". Thank you for your honesty and your desire to still focus on the Truth and share that with us as well. I appreciate you!
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