How long have you been coming to H2O?
I've been coming since the Fall of '99 when the church was called Cypress Christian Life.
What do you like to do for fun?
What's an interesting fact about you?
During my college years, I went through a period of time dealing with numerous insecurities about myself as a woman. For a while, I wrestled with what it meant to be feminine and womanly. While Isiah and I were dating, many of these insecurities surfaced. I found myself constantly comparing myself to other women to find my self worth. The trouble with the comparison game is that it took me on a roller coaster of emotions, either feeling great about myself or when surrounded by someone who seemed like she was everything that I wanted to be -- talented, beautiful, cool, ambitious -- all of a sudden I felt unworthy. It was a secret mind game I played with myself and it expressed itself in my jealousy of other women, in my lack of confidence in myself, and in my fears of being abandoned by friends and Isiah. God made it pretty clear to me that I needed to redefine my perception of femininity and I sought his Word, the counsel of other women that I respected and trusted, and books on the subject. Slowly, I felt like God and I had conquered this area of my life and I moved on. Looking back, I realize just how skewed my self-image was. I WAS all those things I wanted to be.
When I was pregnant with Maya, I felt more feminine than I ever had before, realizing that this was part of what a woman's body was made to do. Nursing my son, I feel like, Wow! Seriously? What an amazing thing our bodies can do. When I see women nurture children that are not their own, I feel proud to be a woman. When I hear women share their emotions with one another, I think about how beautiful it is that God has given us a gift of sensitivity to feel and express our emotions freely. Over the years, God has continued working in me to redefine my perception of femininity.
Recently, I find myself stepping back into my old insecurities. Without going into too much detail, I will share with you all that has been going on. A few months after having Kai I've discovered that I am having some complications from the delivery. These complications affect many aspects of my life including my ability to be intimate with my husband and my ability to exercise and live the active lifestyle that I am used to living. Because I had been pregnant and lost a baby right before I got pregnant with Kai, I had been pregnant for over a year by the time he was born. I am so ready to take control of my body again. And now all of that has come to a halt and left me overweight from two back to back pregnancies and unable to run to lose weight or to blow off steam. Needless to say, I've been feeling a little frustrated, a little down on myself, and a little unattractive. I find myself wondering if my husband is attracted to me and not really able to validate if he is since intimacy is hindered by the complications I am facing. All of sudden, I am feeling threatened and inadequate around other women, something I haven't felt in a long time.
How is it that so many years later, I am dealing with the same issues I thought I had conquered long ago? I realize that regardless of the strides I'd made to renew my mind, I've allowed my worth to cling to tangible things instead of to who God says I am. I've always been able to control the way that I feel about myself by controlling my appearance and God has taken that control away for a little while. I need God to really transform my beliefs deep down to realize my worth which lies in things unseen. It's hard and I could use the prayers of you lovely ladies. If any of you are planning on taking the time to leave a comment, would you also include a verse that I can meditate on? Thanks, Ladies!
4 comments:
When I can't control the things around me, I find myself falling into old traps that I thought I had moved past, too. I think there are things that, as women, we will always struggle with. We're here to fight with you, though! I will be praying hard for you, Adrienne.
1Peter 3:3-5
We often need to consider the real perspective of men, not the ideal that our society poisons our minds with...
"All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you... You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes, with one jewel of your necklace. How delightful is your love, my sister, my bride! How much more pleasing is your love than wine, and the fragrance of your perfume than any spice!... You are a garden fountain, a well of flowing water streaming from Lebanon."
Song of Songs 4:7, 9-10, 15
You are the most beautiful creature to your husband, as you are - that is why he chose you. You are more pleasing to him than the finest things in life and refresh him like flowing water.
Our bodies will always change, and we won't like it, but we must accept the seasons where we think we are not "ideal." God made us each beautifully, and our husbands don't make critiques to damage that beautiful image like we tend to do. We must accept their love without doubt.
I will be praying for this challenging season to pass quickly, Adrienne.
Adrienne,
I was touched by what you shared. It makes me think about what I place worth in and many times as a woman, it is appearance. I don't have a verse yet for you, but wanted you to know that I am praying for you in your difficult time.
Adrienne, thanks for being so honest. I was sitting behind you in church yesterday and had no idea what all you were dealing with. God will give you the strength to handle this situation, because you are His beautiful child.
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