Coming up on 7 years now in Orlando, Scott and I are facing a lot of change ahead for us. I am trying to be hopeful in this season that it will be a reprieve from the tumult of the last couple of years, accentuated by 2009. Within a week of my now one-year-old boy being born we discovered my mother's prognosis of cancer. As I watched my son grow and develop, I had to watch my mother deteriorate, and then pass away. Those two intense things were not the only battering storms. I wondered if I could even make it any longer. As I am processing the year with a counselor, my life "baggage" is also surfacing. God has been good at bringing restoration and healing, but this journey continues to be difficult. Sometimes it's hard for me to not just wait for the next bad thing. The faith exercise I need to do is continue trusting in Christ's presence and clinging to Him as my rock no matter what comes. A great father of the faith, Augustine of Hippo, had this reflection from the book of Mark, the story of the disciples on the boat during the storm:
"When you have to listen to abuse, that means you are being buffeted by the wind. When your anger is aroused, you are being tossed by the waves. So when the winds blow and the waves mount high, the boat is in danger, your heart is imperiled, your heart is taking a battering. On hearing yourself insulted, you long to retaliate; but the joy of revenge brings with it another kind of misfortune shipwreck.
"Why is this? Because Christ is asleep in you. What do I mean? I mean you have forgotten his presence.
"Rouse him, then; remember him, let him keep watch within you, pay heed to him … A temptation arises: it is the wind. It disturbs you: it is the surging of the sea. This is the moment to awaken Christ and let him remind you of these words: 'Who can this be? Even the winds and the sea obey him.'"
- Augustine of Hippo, Sermons on Mark
My first response was feeling shame; Have I really forgotten Christ's presence? My soul felt crushed by the voice I am used to hearing of condemnation. But that is not His voice for me; He longs for me to hear His kind voice saying, "I was there. I am here. Fear not." And that's all I need to know right now. Faith is hard; it's crazy. But He is the calm, the strength, the blessing. Who can separate us from our God? No one, nothing. He is here.