I’m 30, married 6 years, and a homemaker trying for a baby. I’ve been with this church since 2001. Teaching overwhelmed me so I felt disconnected for a while, but the retreat, “Girlz Nite,” and this blog are healing that. Also, I’m an introvert. About that…
My dad was happy and loving, until his car accident (when I was 7). It left him burdened with permanent pain, medical bills, and full of shame because he couldn’t provide "enough." He developed an intense temper and became verbally abusive. I became a people (dad) pleaser. Nothing I did made him that happy guy again. As I grew older I looked for love and acceptance from dating, pouring out my vulnerable heart only to be used, manipulated, and cast aside. Of course, I was selfish, too.
I decided I didn’t know ANYTHING. In college (’99) I invited the Holy Spirit into my heart. What kept going through my mind then: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.” -Romans 12:2 In time, I felt that dating “in the world” was self-serving and that I was done with it.
After two years of not dating I started "courting" Andrew. Dad laughed when I said I wouldn’t kiss another guy until my wedding day because of my beliefs, but after wrestling heavily with thoughts “of the world” about love, we had that first special kiss together on our wedding day. This covenant between us before our marriage helped build a strong, trusting relationship and great communication.
My husband suffered because of my baggage, waiting patiently for me to get over my insecurities about my intelligence and beauty because Dad often called me various forms of “stupid” and never said I was beautiful until minutes before I walked down the aisle. Counseling about my painful relationship with Dad and years of Andrew’s respect, unselfish love, and encouragement to be myself melted away the pieces of the broken girl I was.
The first few years of my marriage, Psalm 45 fed my soul tremendously. Here are my favorite parts:
“2 You are the most excellent of men and your lips have been anointed with grace, since God has blessed you forever”.
[I think of Christ and my husband in this verse – especially when I get a short temper with Andrew, which calms me quickly.]
7 You love righteousness and hate wickedness; therefore God, your God, has set you above your companions by anointing you with the oil of joy.
[This is encouragement to live with joy because even though we mess up, we hate it when we do and love His goodness.]
9 Daughters of kings are among your honored women; at your right hand is the royal bride in gold of Ophir.
[You are far more important to God than you can ever fathom now in this earthly body.]
10 Listen, O daughter, consider and give ear: Forget your people and your father's house.
[Forget the earthly “village” that raised you and consider your position as a daughter of God.]
11 The king is enthralled by your beauty; honor him, for he is your lord.
[You don’t need to focus on outer beauty or seek the approval of men because you have the deepest love of our God, who is ENTHRALLED with your beauty, so don’t fight Him on this! Honor Him by accepting His adoration.]
So… Now I have a man who tells me daily that I’m beautiful, intelligent, and valued. Much of Andrew’s behavior toward me is a reflection of God’s character toward me, and I’m so grateful to God for him. I’ve become free of a sick, cyclical relationship by “leaving” my parents and “cleaving” to my husband (Genesis 2:24).
Dad has become a better man through knowing me as a woman independent of him and through Andrew’s example as a husband. We go on double dates with my parents all the time now. We love them very much, and I feel like I’ve got a new Dad. God showed me how to break the cycle and start a new one.
Today, I feel invincible. When I was teaching I became increasingly stressed and lost my joyful self, as Andrew put it. I gained weight, neglecting my body to focus on work. I cried at least once every two weeks, feeling constantly defeated. It hurt to quit teaching when it took 7 years to get a bachelor’s degree, thinking I finally had a “direction.” I was so stubborn about trying harder that I almost pushed myself to start another year! I wanted to keep people pleasing – my boss, coworkers, and my Dad who was proud of his daughter. Well, quitting didn’t erase my degree or the wisdom and experience gained. God used that time to teach me how to stand up for my ideas, deal with people, and to teach me that I can’t be everything to everyone, and that’s OK.
Being a homemaker, I’ve had a lot of time to move forward to an even better version of me. I’ve lost 15 pounds through diet and exercise, and I'm still going. I’ve shed guilt from not serving constantly in some way and found unusual ways to serve with my gifts as needs come up. When my grandmother passed away, I was available to serve many of my family’s needs, which fed my soul. Andrew and I even went on one last great adventure together before having kids – to Japan! On the trip, He and I were talking about how I’ve done a good job taking better care of myself. I said, “Well, I started caring about myself as much as you care about me.” Imagine if we cared about ourselves as much as God cares for us…