Ms. Ashley’s previous post has inspired me to be “brutally honest”. So here it goes….
For those of you that don’t know me I am the crazy girl who can be found either welcoming you into the church with a smile or goofing around somewhere. To say that I am a private person is a slight understatement (as I am writing this I am feeling a horrid sense of anxiety).
For most of my life I have struggled with a relationship that even the best counselor would find complex. The relationship, which I am addressing, is the one shared between my mother and I. Since I was a little girl I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy and have always felt a strange sense of loss. My mother was by no means a monster and I always had a roof over my head, clean clothes, and education. What I lacked was an emotional safe place to rest my head. I cannot remember my mother having any emotional depth. Things that others take advantage of like a hug from mom or encouraging words during tough time were events that were not present in our relationship. Up until 2 years ago I did not understand that my mother suffers from a condition that is commonly known as maternal narcissism and was passed from my grandmother to her.
Throughout my life I have tried to fill the emptiness. I have gone from one dysfunctional friendship to another searching for approval and love. Even though I had been raised in the church, I never really felt connected. God was some distant entity and I was taught the Bible from a legalistic standpoint. About 2 to 3 years ago I wandered into H2O. Through tough love and guidance I have been able to start a long recovery process to learn how to love others and myself in a healthy way. I have been challenged to intensify my relationship with God and it is a relationship that I enjoy and struggle with daily.
P.S. To all of the moms in the crowd…the greatest gift you can give your children is affection. Please hug your children often. It will affect them in ways that cannot be described in words.
Prayer Requests:
1) Please pray for the relationship I have with my mom. It is often strained and can be a source of great anxiety and stress.
2) For the continued development of the healthy relationships in my life, including my relationship with God.